Friday, 17 July 2009

I Like To Say Things and Eat Stuff

My name is Dan, and I will be your Man Friday. I mean 'man' in the loosest sense of course, as there's not inconsiderable evidence I'm actually a fourteen year old girl trapped in the body of an early-mid-twenties man.

I work for an international chain of toy shops I for legal reasons shouldn't name, but I can tell you it's headed by a giant cartoon mouse and is responsible for original characters like Ricky Rouse and Monald Muck. I spend most of my time there frantically trying to compensate for other people's idiocy, and secretly crying in the toilets like I'm in an episode of Party of Five.

I live in Manchester, a city which is primarily known as the place Eastenders characters go to die, and is responsible for Boddingtons (and the greatest advert ever), Sarah Harding, and people what talk funny like in Coronation Street.

I like fictional fierce British women, drinking gin and pretending I'm a Jackie Collins character, and villainous blondes. I'm also addicted to buying pretty notebooks, action figures and dvd boxsets of tv shows.

I dislike teenagers, Megan Fox, and women who insist on walking around with their enormous umbrellas open when it's barely even slightly drizzling. THANKS A LOT FOR NEARLY DECAPITATING ME, LADIES.

I think Drew Barrymore in Donnie Darko is wrong, the most beautiful phrase in the English language is not "cellar door", but rather "beautiful robots, dancing alone".

In summary and in conclusion, my life's philosophy is best summarised by Lois Lane when she says:

Black Lois


Michael said...

Amazing! Although I prefer Lois when she's a whale, and Superman's a tree.

Dan said...

Are you referring to Lois's stint as The Fattest Woman In Metropolis? There's a whole scene about how she has to buy all her new clothes from The Fat Girl's Shoppe. Superman is, as ever, passive aggressive and abusive about the whole thing.

Oh, Silver Age. Was there any half-cocked, insane idea you didn't decide to print?

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