This is me, then

Hello. My name is Michael and I live in Glasgow.

I'll be your Monday.

I currently work in a school uniform shop. It is the source of my gladness. My degree in English Literature has really come in useful, particularly when it comes to folding cardigans and dealing with women on the verge of a nervous breakdown because the fabric that they use to make the trousers is a slightly different shade of brown to the fabric that they use to make the blazers. I've just finished a post-graduate course in Secondary Teaching. I don't want to be a teacher.

When I grow up, I want to be a writer, mostly because I want to be able to wake up at noon and spend all day at my computer, in my pyjamas.

I like watching telly, reading books, and listening to music aimed at girls half my age.

I don't like people who move too fast, people who move too slow and bad writing in any medium. And when people mistake my sister for my girlfriend, as if my handbag isn't fancier than hers. Oh! And when people walk down a narrow path in a row of four, like it's The Wizard of fucking Oz, and they don't hear you when you say excuse me because they're too busy chatting up a storm, and then you're late for work and your boss is in a right old mope with you for ages.

This is one of the best things I've read all year.